this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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