oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
there's paper in my vomit.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
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