your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
