i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
