Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
