You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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