It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
