Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
