He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
