none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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