if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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