So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
