she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
