I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
