I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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