we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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