I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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