there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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