The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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