Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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