North Korea, Best Korea!
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
