just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
