I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
