I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
