Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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