do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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