I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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