I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
