I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
