I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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