Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
