Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
