I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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