like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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