Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
