that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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