Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
