So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize