it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize