Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
being pregnant is like rehab
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
