My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
