apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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