Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
