what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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