i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
