You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
