PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
