T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
