Will you blow on my dice?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Holy sore nipples Batman
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
