If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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