i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
