dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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