On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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