And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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