the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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