remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize